Wednesday, May 10, 2006

I'm a perfect A*#hole


Warning: if you're under 40, you may not want to continue reading.

Yes, that's me, getting a colonoscopy.
(Maybe I should be focusing on getting a little laser hair removal).

As the wonderful joys of turning 50 continue, yesterday I experienced yet another activity in the great adventure...the colonoscopy.

Since Katie Couric has managed to drum into all of us the importance of colonoscopy, I knew that my time had arrived. It was time to partake of this dreaded procedure.

So, let's start at the beginning.

Several things would need to be done in preparation for the big event.

First: A leg and bikini wax. When you know a doctor and several nurses are going to be seeing you in all your glory, it's important to make sure you are, at the very least, smooth and silky.
(Judging by the picture above, my esthetician may be in need of a few continuing education courses).

Secondly: A trip to Victoria's secret is a must. You don't want to be caught by your doctor and nurses in an old pair of high-rise grandma underwear. A new sexy lace thong will wow the medical staff everytime.

Thirdly: 36 hours prior to the procedure, no solid foods are allowed. Liquids only.

So in preparation, a trip to In and Out Burger was made. I had to have a favorite last meal, of course, and what better than to chow down on a burger and fries. Only to return home for a huge bowl of icecream.

"Liquids only" means: coffee (thank God), soda, popsicles, broth, and water.

I made a trip to the market to stock up on all the items necessary for my 36 hour delectable feast. Lime jello, lime pops, chicken broth, and 7-Up..."diet 7-UP" of course; wouldn't want to put on any extra pounds.

9:00 p.m. Sunday evening is when the liquid diet began. By the next morning I was starving, but I persevered. I never knew broth could taste so good. My tongue was a lovely shade of green all day from my excessive lime intake.

Step four: Beginning at 5:00p.m. the evening before the procedure, I had to drink gallons of colace. This is, shall we say, the way you "clean out" in preparation for the procedure.
At 5:00 I began drinking. This stuff tastes worse than liverwurst.

Every fifteen minutes you must drink a glass-full...and wait.

Wait for a veritable explosion.

But, just my luck, 2 hours pass and...NOTHING, NADA. At this point I'm sure I'm the only person in the history of colonoscopies to not be "moved" by this disgusting medicine.
Of course my husband decides this is the time to break into his best Three Stooges impersonation, and starts paging "Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard...looks like we have to blast".

And this is supposed to help...how?

So I continue on...with courage, patience, diligence, and tenacity until...YES! I feel the earth move (well, not really the earth). And for the next four hours...I'm in, shall we say, a cleansing marathon.

At this point, I would not have been surprised to get a call from the Bellagio Hotel in Las Vegas, beckoning me to be the next "water feature" of fountains, shooting dancing water 240 feet into the air.

At the finish of my marathon, I thought, wow, I'm sure to have dropped at least 3 pounds, and quickly ran to the scale. But nope, not me...I actually put on 1/2 a pound. Geeesh, I mean, what's the point of all of this, if you're not going to drop a few pounds.

Finally, feeling clean and not so fresh...I went to sleep in anticipation of the big day.

I arrived at the hospital early, checked in, and was asked to quickly undress down to just my socks.

So much for the trip to Victoria's secret.

The female nurse came over to ask a few questions, explain the procedure, and proceeded to notify me that the doctor, anesthesiologist, and the assistant were all male. She would be in the room if I so wished.

I had to think for a moment...how often do I get to be in a room, surrounded by three men, who all are there just to stare at my tush? So, of course, I opted for the three men.

I had them all laughing and talking like school boys within minutes. Afterall, what turns on three men in their 30-40's more, than a 50 year old broad in a hospital gown, with a tube up her nose, coyly awaiting one of them to push a tube into places where the sun definitely does not shine? I mean really...what?

Next thing I knew...I was being wheeled back into recovery. I was shaking like a leaf, a reaction to anesthetic I suppose.

But here's the great part. The nurse told me that my job, while in recovery, was to pass gas! Can you imagine?...someone requesting me to, well, let it rip? Who knew a colonoscopy could have such perks. She was begging me. In fact, she wasn't going to let me leave until I had. Oh joy, rapture!

Being the lady that I am, I couldn't just begin breaking wind in front of a perfect stranger. The nurse said "oh, you want to play tough, do you?" The next thing I knew, I was hearing strains of the 1812 Overture, cannon fire and all, over the loud speaker.

Wow, what inspiration. I was right on cue with the cannons! The nurse smiled.

Having commenced with a "ripping" performance worthy of the campfire scene in Blazing Saddles, I was soon released to go home.

Accept for one tiny polyp that was removed, but hopefully nothing to worry about, it looks like I'm...oops, I mean...I have, a perfect a*#hole.

And so, another great adventure to add to my "memory book" of the year I turned 50.

33 comments:

Robbie said...

ok then.

Another meshugannah mommy said...

Bwah! As a veterna of many, many of those procedures, that was pretty freaking hilarious!

Like I tell everyone, the prep is the worst part, but the drugs they give you make it all worthwhile! :)

Ezer K'negdo said...

You had me laughing so hard, I just woke up my daughter from her nap - that was HILARIOUS!

Glad to know I have something to look forward to . . .

;-)

ps: my sons would have loved the 1812 overture part!

kasamba said...

I never dreamed a colonoscopy could be so much fun!!

Sweettooth120 said...

Wow - I think Trep has some new competition in the hood.

What an excellent post and very funny, as usual!

PsychoToddler said...

I wish I had more patients like you.

:-)

The Jewish Freak said...

Very funny and well written. BTW, your feet lok oddly huge in the picture (not very attractive).

Ezzie said...

LOL... and eeeewwww. :)

cruisin-mom said...

Robbie: under 40...you were warned!

A.M.M.: Yes, the drugs were good, I never knew what hit me. Glad you enjoyed the post.

E.K.: Yay! your back...oy, never intended to wake children from naps.

Kasamba: Yeah, and you thought Buckingham Palace was a blast ;)

S.T.: In reference to Trepp...no way!
Glad I could make you laugh.

P.T.: ain't that the truth...was it the lace thong, or my ability to rip that found you longing for a patient like me?

J.F. glad to see you here...you had to go and insult my feet? Isn't it enough that I have a problem with excess hair?

Ezzie: well, aren't you a whimp! (you, like Robbie, were warned!)

Neil said...

Knowing how women are, I'm not sure if you're joking or telling the truth about buying new underwear for your doctor!

torontopearl said...

I hope you had some good reading material for your "cleansing marathon"; after all, the bathroom isn't called a library for nothin'!

Love the title...and I just want to add: "Cruisin' Mom, you're full of S**T!"

cruisin-mom said...

Neil: did you take a close look at the picture at the top of this post? Do I look like I could wear a thong? I mean, really.

T.P.: There is always reading material handy in our "library".
And, actually, at this moment, I'm NOT full of s**t!

Jack's Shack said...

Oy vey, some midwestern chick is going to give it to me now.

wanderer said...

The question of the day is...

After the colonoscopy are you still Randy!?!?!?!

cruisin-mom said...

Jack: Is someone longing for you to have a colonoscopy?!!!

Wanderer: Yeah, Baby, YEAH!

Sweettooth120 said...

CM / Neil - I sometimes borrow my husband's underwear when I am out of mine and too lazy to do laundry. One time I needed to go to the doctor and I totally forgot I had that underwear on.

Boy, if you could have seen his expression. It was priceless. He then said "well this is a new one to tell the wife!"

cruisin-mom said...

S.T.: I hope your husband doesn't wear boxers ;)

StepIma said...

I think Robbie stole my comment. :)


Anyhow, the time to reward yourself with a trip to VS is now... that plus tales of you and three strange men playiing "ooh, doctor..." should lead to some hot and heavy nights at home, non?

ooh, oui!


or um, something.

glad you're all well.

westbankmama said...

And to think, I have to wait a whole six years to got through this...;)

cruisin-mom said...

Stepima: "playing doctor". LOL! Never thought of it that way!

WBM: I consider it my "public service" to talk about these things :)

Wendy said...

What a story! Everyone said all the funny things I was thinking, so I just wanted you to know I stopped by and was entertained!

cruisin-mom said...

Wendy: Thanks! Glad you were entertained :)

Stacey said...

Good for you, CM! Glad to know you are not a wuss like some men I know!

Colonoscopies are no big deal and they save lives!

cruisin-mom said...

Stacey: well,I think I may know which man you are referring too. And, yes, colonoscopies are a blast!

Amishav said...

Uproarious! I had the pleasure of waiting in the recovery room for my Ex Wife To Be while she had this done and it was like being in a strange sort of human wind instrument ensemble.

And yes that poor woman in the picture you put up- I she's going to have one hell of an electrolysis bill.

Sorry about the disappearing comment on my blog- you are welcome to post anything you want anytime- I don't know what happened- please accept my apologies.

cruisin-mom said...

Amishav: "it was like being in a strange sort of human wind instrument ensemble". That is HILARIOUS!
No problem about the comment on your blog...I just don't ever want to offend anyone. [and I'm sure it was quite brilliant :)]

Mirty said...

Good for you! I had one three years ago and am due for another. (Had a polyp, etc.) Truly one of the most bizarre experiences in life....

Sweettooth120 said...

CM - "are a blast" oh that was bad - ewwww

cruisin-mom said...

Mirty: Yep, I think bizarre is a good word for it!

S.T.: I didn't even realize what I said until after I posted it!!!

JH said...

Don't you love it how they let you leave your socks on...I think that is a more embarrassing and awkward feeling than any. Naked...but with socks.

cruisin-mom said...

JH: that's so funny...and true. But, I must say, it does help keep you a little warmer :) Thanks for stopping by.

PsychoToddler said...

The sense of humor--and the great attitude.

cruisin-mom said...

Awww...Thanks P.T.