I'm a perfect A*#hole

Warning: if you're under 40, you may not want to continue reading.

Yes, that's me, getting a colonoscopy.
(Maybe I should be focusing on getting a little laser hair removal).

As the wonderful joys of turning 50 continue, yesterday I experienced yet another activity in the great adventure...the colonoscopy.

Since Katie Couric has managed to drum into all of us the importance of colonoscopy, I knew that my time had arrived. It was time to partake of this dreaded procedure.

So, let's start at the beginning.

Several things would need to be done in preparation for the big event.

First: A leg and bikini wax. When you know a doctor and several nurses are going to be seeing you in all your glory, it's important to make sure you are, at the very least, smooth and silky.
(Judging by the picture above, my esthetician may be in need of a few continuing education courses).

Secondly: A trip to Victoria's secret is a must. You don't want to be caught by your doctor and nurses in an old pair of high-rise grandma underwear. A new sexy lace thong will wow the medical staff everytime.

Thirdly: 36 hours prior to the procedure, no solid foods are allowed. Liquids only.

So in preparation, a trip to In and Out Burger was made. I had to have a favorite last meal, of course, and what better than to chow down on a burger and fries. Only to return home for a huge bowl of icecream.

"Liquids only" means: coffee (thank God), soda, popsicles, broth, and water.

I made a trip to the market to stock up on all the items necessary for my 36 hour delectable feast. Lime jello, lime pops, chicken broth, and 7-Up..."diet 7-UP" of course; wouldn't want to put on any extra pounds.

9:00 p.m. Sunday evening is when the liquid diet began. By the next morning I was starving, but I persevered. I never knew broth could taste so good. My tongue was a lovely shade of green all day from my excessive lime intake.

Step four: Beginning at 5:00p.m. the evening before the procedure, I had to drink gallons of colace. This is, shall we say, the way you "clean out" in preparation for the procedure.
At 5:00 I began drinking. This stuff tastes worse than liverwurst.

Every fifteen minutes you must drink a glass-full...and wait.

Wait for a veritable explosion.

But, just my luck, 2 hours pass and...NOTHING, NADA. At this point I'm sure I'm the only person in the history of colonoscopies to not be "moved" by this disgusting medicine.
Of course my husband decides this is the time to break into his best Three Stooges impersonation, and starts paging "Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard...looks like we have to blast".

And this is supposed to help...how?

So I continue on...with courage, patience, diligence, and tenacity until...YES! I feel the earth move (well, not really the earth). And for the next four hours...I'm in, shall we say, a cleansing marathon.

At this point, I would not have been surprised to get a call from the Bellagio Hotel in Las Vegas, beckoning me to be the next "water feature" of fountains, shooting dancing water 240 feet into the air.

At the finish of my marathon, I thought, wow, I'm sure to have dropped at least 3 pounds, and quickly ran to the scale. But nope, not me...I actually put on 1/2 a pound. Geeesh, I mean, what's the point of all of this, if you're not going to drop a few pounds.

Finally, feeling clean and not so fresh...I went to sleep in anticipation of the big day.

I arrived at the hospital early, checked in, and was asked to quickly undress down to just my socks.

So much for the trip to Victoria's secret.

The female nurse came over to ask a few questions, explain the procedure, and proceeded to notify me that the doctor, anesthesiologist, and the assistant were all male. She would be in the room if I so wished.

I had to think for a moment...how often do I get to be in a room, surrounded by three men, who all are there just to stare at my tush? So, of course, I opted for the three men.

I had them all laughing and talking like school boys within minutes. Afterall, what turns on three men in their 30-40's more, than a 50 year old broad in a hospital gown, with a tube up her nose, coyly awaiting one of them to push a tube into places where the sun definitely does not shine? I mean really...what?

Next thing I knew...I was being wheeled back into recovery. I was shaking like a leaf, a reaction to anesthetic I suppose.

But here's the great part. The nurse told me that my job, while in recovery, was to pass gas! Can you imagine?...someone requesting me to, well, let it rip? Who knew a colonoscopy could have such perks. She was begging me. In fact, she wasn't going to let me leave until I had. Oh joy, rapture!

Being the lady that I am, I couldn't just begin breaking wind in front of a perfect stranger. The nurse said "oh, you want to play tough, do you?" The next thing I knew, I was hearing strains of the 1812 Overture, cannon fire and all, over the loud speaker.

Wow, what inspiration. I was right on cue with the cannons! The nurse smiled.

Having commenced with a "ripping" performance worthy of the campfire scene in Blazing Saddles, I was soon released to go home.

Accept for one tiny polyp that was removed, but hopefully nothing to worry about, it looks like I'm...oops, I mean...I have, a perfect a*#hole.

And so, another great adventure to add to my "memory book" of the year I turned 50.