Wednesday, April 12, 2006
There are, of course, two things we all must face in our lifetime:
taxes and death
Yep, no choice in either one (well, i suppose you could choose not to pay taxes, but I don't really want to eat bread and water for the rest of my life or acquire a new friend named Bubba).
Since God invented accountants, let's just say, that worrying about taxes isn't all that necessary...send to the accountant...POOF, it's done.
But death, on the other hand, is something to worry about. There are many things to consider when facing the inevitablity of one's own demise.
Although cremation makes the most sense from an environmental standpoint...I just can't bring myself to go against religious mandate in this area (even though I'm not exactly what one would call religious).
Of course the first thing to consider, is what to be buried in. I have never been one for those fancy cadillac caskets. Just seems like a big waste of money, because let's face it...it's never going to be viewed by anyone after the funeral, and if I can't enjoy it...well, what's the point.
A nice plain pine box for me, thank you.
Now here's something that has always struck me as odd. Why is it that loved ones assume that putting someone in their best suit or fanciest dress is the way to go when dressing the body for burial?
I suppose it's one thing if this is what the person spent most of their time wearing...okay, that makes sense. But for me? My favorite item of clothing is blue jeans. Wouldn't it be strange not to bury me in my most beloved piece of clothing?
To bury me in a dress would just be absurd. For crying out loud, I didn't even know you're supposed to wear a dress when attending an orthodox Jewish shul...why on earth would I be buried in one?
But here's the dilemma...and any woman will understand this. What if, on that fateful day, I can't get into my blue jeans. I mean, what if the mortuary employee is given my favorite pair of jeans to put on me, and I'm having a "fat day"?
How humiliating would that be? I guess the good news is, I'll be lying down. When I was in junior high, all of us girls would lay down on the bed and force each leg into our skin tight jeans, pull on, and suck it all in while trying to get that zipper up. I guess I can only hope that I will have dieted plenty before my demise, as to not have to face this one last humiliation.
Next, the funeral service itself. Why is it that even your mean Aunt Beatrice, who abused every family member by making them kiss her smelly face and eat her dry boiled chicken for years, becomes a woman of valor on the day of her funeral?
Me?...I want it all out there...the good, the bad, and the ugly. In fact, a sort of Broadway show would be nice. Okay, maybe off broadway...no need to set my sights so high. You know, like a one woman tribute show to ME. (But who would star...any thoughts?)
The music is always so somber at these things. I'd like some show tunes, of course, with a chaser of Beatles music. If people want to dance...all the better. The show, I mean funeral, should end with Gloria Gaynor belting out "I Will Survive". Now that's a funeral service!
After the funeral, the tradition is to go back to someone's home to delight in deli and reminisce about the deceased. Don't get me wrong, I love good deli. In fact, I don't really mind attending funerals, because I know I will be going back to someone's home to stuff myself with deli and babke.
But here's the deal...while deli is always a sure-fire hit...I say, why not be daring and fun and alive at the after funeral gathering.
That's why I propose In and Out Burger. I know that some of you reading this from other than the left coast, may not be familiar with In and Out. Let me just say that they are thee best burgers this side of heaven (well, I'll let you know for sure when I get there).
And here's the best part: In and Out has a special cookout trailer that will come to your home and cook their delicious burgers right on the spot for you!!!
That's right...no deli at my after party...burgers, fries, and diet cokes will abound.
Quite frankly, this is something that each and everyone of us needs to consider seriously. Don't leave your loved ones wondering what to dress you in, how to memorialize you, and most of all...what to eat at the after party.
I say, even in death...leave 'em laughing, singing, dancing, and eating well.
(Humor is a way for me to express feelings about death and grief, that I have known since the age of 10...I hope this post is taken in the good spirit it was intended. It is not meant to be hurtful in anyway to anyone who is grieving or has gone through the journey of grief).