As if receiving my AARP (American Association for Retired Persons) membership in the mail when I turned 50 wasn't bad enough...look at what my postman dropped in the box today.
Yep, that's right...it's MENOPAUSE time. But, hey, lucky for me...if you read the fine print...there is good news...Yippee!
I'll finally be getting rid of those monthly inconveniences. Wow, this is good news...no more bills!
Can you believe it? You see those two nice ladies above? They are taking on my monthly bills...and couldn't be happier about it.
But that's not all...I'm gonna be hot. And flashing.
It took fifty years, but I'm finally going to be considered hot!. Apparently I will now be considered so hot, that I can run around the streets flashing. YES!... a reason to wear that London Fog I bought last year.
Who woulda thunk it...hot and flashing at 50! This aging thing just gets better and better by the month.
It's hard to believe this time has come. It seems like just a mere 38 years ago I became a "lady" for the first time.
I remember it like it was yesterday. It was 1964, fourth grade, when my elementary school had seperated the boys and girls...taking us into the auditorium for that special "talk". By the time the "talk" was over, all I knew was that soon, I would have a new "friend" and I would become a "lady".
This friend, who might also be referred to as "Aunt Flo" or "The Visitor" , would be coming for a weeks stay each and every month.
For the next three years, I would look out the window once a month, waiting for a nice little old Jewish lady named Aunt Flo, to show up at my door (perhaps with a babke).
And every month the same thing...no Aunt Flo.
But one day, after waiting at that window for three whole years...on a warm summer California day at the beach...my visitor came...Aunt Flo had arrived.
SURPRISE...Aunt Flo was no aunt. And she didn't bring a babke. And I felt like no lady.
And this "friend" would show up on my doorstep the same time each month (unless, of course, she chose to surprise me and arrive a little late).
She would show up doing her best Mike Tyson impression...socking me in the stomach, leaving me doubled over with cramps.
Hmmmm, that doesn't sound like a friend I would keep around for very long. But this "friend" stuck by me for more years than I care to say.
How loyal...longer than most marriages. I guess you could say, that because of her, I was able to have two children.
And now, partly because of her, at the age of 50, I am finally considered HOT!
Maybe she wasn't such a bad friend afterall.
40 comments:
Hysterical :)
Wow, now it's off to Victoria's Secret!
Neil: actually, I think I'll just have my husband fan me all summer.
Wendy: Thanks...like you're not?!
E.K.: Did this post make you feel young, fresh, and sexy?
I guess I was really late in getting mine.
Isn't it amazing that our memories of the first time of getting it is so clear and fresh.
Hilarious, Randi.
My "friend" was/is "George" -- how it took on a male name is beyond me, though!
I have to get you a button I saw; it said: "I'm not having a hot flash; this is just an electrical charge!"
More power to you, Hot Mama!
You know, after being pregnant and giving birth to and then nursing 3 children, sexy is not the adjective I'm thinking of. "National Geographic Photo Essay of the Native Women of Sierra Leone" is more of what I think of right now if I uncover my eyes and look in the mirror. I hear they have good plastic surgeons out by you. Got a good reference? ;-)
S.T.: I will never forget that day. I know exactly where and when...like it was only, well, 38 years ago!
Pearl: George? Well, some would say, only a man would do this to us every month. (sorry men, just saying what some would say, not what I would say)
E.K. Here's my advice: stop looking in the mirror!
On a added personal note: When I gave birth to my youngest, who recently turned 6 yrs. old, I was hit with a sudden sadness. (no, not postpartum depression) A realization, in essence.
It hit me that this would probably be my last child, and my next phase in life would be...MENOPAUSE. (okay, so who cares that it could possibly be even 15 -20 years later...but it was the next "womanly" stage for me other than pregnancy.)
Pearl: I can understand that.
Don't you find it funny that a womanly stage, as you say, is called "MEN"opause?!
Pearl: That is just hitting me now. Our last is, in fact, our last, and it has been and up-and-down transition for me in terms of "what comes next" Until a year ago, I was either pregnant or nursing for the last 7 years. It is for sure time to move on, but the transition has been difficult. What comes next as a woman? I have decided that figuring out who I am as a woman is what comes next. I have no idea where this will take me, and it has been up and down, but I guess we'll see. It is sad, though. But at the same time, I have been so busy taking care of babies, and now I think I have to try to take care of myself (you know, in between 100 loads of laundry a week!).
CM: Good advice! I meant in my first comment, btw, that it is off to Victoria's Secret for YOU! Get yourself some fabulous somethings for your new "hottie" look!
It's funny that all this menopause talk is coming up right now... well, not funny ha, ha, but funny strange... anyhoo, my twin sister seems to be very "hot" right now, so that means I'm not very far behind- although she's only 45 and says hers is due to taking fertility drugs which I didn't. So, who knows when I will be "hot"? Something to look forward to, I suppose... the wait is killing me...;)
Genius! Great post!
With "friends" like these, we don't need enemies! : )
This may be going off topic a bit, but a friend (a real one) was telling me that his wife and her friends are doubling up on their pill so they only get their "friends" a few times a year. T
Their reason for doing this seems to be more out not having to do Niddah every month than for not wanting the hastle of a period every month.
I say why mess with mother nature. Hormone changes are bad enough every month, but doubling up on the pill, I can only imagine.
E.K. (and Pearl): I so understand. After my 2nd, I went through a little sadness knowing I'd never have a girl. But then it was really okay...Boys brought out things in me I never knew were there. (I fed live crickets to our little pet toads!)
Each stage is an adjustment...now I face it on the other end...teenagers soon to fly the nest. So I have thrown myself into work that I've always wanted to do (won't discuss online at this point), and boy it helps. But while my kids were growing up, I was a stay at home mom and threw myself into PTA, board positions, helped in classrooms, etc. Don't regret a day of it.
(sorry, Cruisin, for leaving such a long comment)
RCJ: you're so funny...how nice to have a twin "set the pace" for you! Don't worry, soon you'll be HOT!
Claire: Genius?, why...thank you!
Irina: You said it, girl!
S.T.: explain Niddah, please. Yes, that is strange to mess around like that with Aunt Flo.
CM: I would prefer someone who is religious to explain, since I think my understanding is water-down.
OH PEARRRRRRL, where are you? We need you to explain, please...
I don't know what sweettooth 120's definition of religious is, so I don't know if I fit that bill. However, in a nutshell, Niddah is the state a woman enters as soon as she begins her monthly mentrual flow. It technically means she is in a state of "teumah" or impurity, although in English that is a loaded term. Practially what it means is that if she and her husband follow the laws of Taharaht HaMishpacha, "Family Purity", they may not have physical contact until her niddah time is over. A woman is no longer niddah when she has had 7 "clean" days, meaning 7 days of no blood or spotting after her period ends. So if the average woman has her period for 5 days, she begins counting her clean days on the evening of day 6. this makes about 12 -14 days where no physical contact is permitted between husband and wife. on the eve of the 7th clean day, she goes to the mikvah and is no longer niddah. and then let the fun begin again! :-)
This was by NO MEANS an in-depth halachic explanation; anyone reading this should consult their rabbi or rebbetzin for details. this is just a general explanation. CM, if you would like to discuss this more, email me - This is a big topic in many non-Orthodox circles as much as Orthodox. Hope this helps!
E.K. first of all (as I slap my hand against my forehead), or as Homer Simpson would say "Doh"! I called out to Pearl, but I forgot we have a rebbetzin right here in our midst!!!
Thank you for the definition. Now,let me tell you...this all has to be very confusing during Menopause, (the symptoms can start 5 years before actual menopause)...when periods have no rhyme or reason as to a time table anymore.
By the way, can't imagine why MEN aren't commenting here! LOL
(accept for Neil...you brave soul)
Because there is NO way we want to get involved... ;)
again, i don't know what everyone's definition of "religious" is, and i wouldn't want to be percieved as having a knowledge or authority i don't have. see the Renegade Rebbetzin's archives on "bedikah" for more in-depth "way-too-much-information-but-facinating-stuff" for more info on the ins and outs (pun intended, sorry, my warped sense of humor had no choice!) of niddah and bedikah. this is a particular interest of mine, so i have done a lot of learning about it. not enough to posken, but for personal edification. anyway, that was more info than anyone needed. i don't know how menopause affects Taharat HaMishpacha - i'll have to do more research!
Huh, what? Hang on a sec, UCLA is playing in the NCAA finals. OK with me! Whatever you say, hun...
Ezzie: Probably a wise idea!
E.K.: Interesting...all new to me.
Wanderer: ROTFLMAO!!!
what a laugh! wanted to share: I call "Aunt Flo" TOM--time of month! Guess it's along the lines of George, and only a man would do this to us! :) hee hee
You know, when we had The Talk (and earlier than that, whenever it was that my parents got me whatever book it was to lay the all-important groundwork), they taught us all about periods -- but nothing about menopause. There was just this assumption that you "became a woman," and that was it for the rest of your life. I don't think I ever even heard the term menopause, let alone the concept that a woman only had so many years, until I was in college. I knew that women only had babies up till a certain age -- but I think I just assumed that was because they just didn't - that it had nothing to do with what their ovaries were up to. :)
Then again, I was raised in the bible belt, and it's amazing I was taught anything at all, all things considered.
HOH: I think those moments stay with us forever. Your grandmother was probably so excited, and didn't realize it would be embarrassing for you.
Emah S: Welcome! Tom, huh?...I'm gonna have to have a talk with you and Pearl. (actually that's really funny...time of month)...my mother always called it "the visitor"
Stepima: Actually, as a little girl, I think it would be quite overwhelming to hear about menopause. But not til college? hmmmm, perhaps a little sooner! Of course today, kids know it all by 12, and I mean all!
Mia: That's funny...maybe we should run an international contest to see which country has the best name.
Thanks for your honesty regarding the pill 4x a year. Sounds like it's more of a health issue to help prevent having cramps 12 times a year. Very understandable.
Here's TMI -- but George visited me the first time at school in the middle of the day. It easily could've turned into the movie "Carrie" had my luck been any different. Thank G-d I didn't have to be Sissy Spacek's understudy...!
Mia - sorry I didn't mean to imply that if you do that it's neccessary a bad thing or only for the convenience of being able to have sex or touching with your spouse more often. Of course there are many other reasons to consider. In fact there is a pill on the market that is designed to do that. I think it's called Seasonal.
Pearl: HA! love that scene in Carrie.
S.T.: nice of you to comment to Mia...they don't call you sweet for nothing.
Yes, I have fond memories of my first period as well.
P.T.: DO TELL
I was 13 and it was the first day of summer vacation. Ouch, it hurt! I don't know what was worse -- the pain or my mother phoning my father at work to tell him that I was now a woman. (Oy, I still cringe at the thought).
The best thing that ever happened to Aunt Flo was having babies. My mother said my horrible cramps would stop...and they have!! Totally. Now I can't even tell when I've gotten it...NO PAIN! Bye, bye Pamprin!
Stacey: Mine was summer too, literally at the beach, BIG OY!
No more cramps?...good for you...at least makes things more tolerable.
Okay - I got mine when my parents were on vacation and my younger siblings and I were staying at my grandparents' condo.
No sweat... I'd seen the film strips and read the Judy Blume books and all that... I'd just rinse out my undies and find a pad under one of the sinks or in one of the closets, and no one would have to know... I was cool, calm, and collected...
Except there weren't any pads under any of the sinks or in any of the closets... so I finally had to ask my grandmother where she kept them.
It took me years to understand why she started laughing so much and so hard
i.e., See my comment above.
(hangs head in further shame and embarrassment)
I got a cute story to share.
Just like how you described about your experience in elementary school, my school did the same thing with us. When I was in 4th grade, the teachers took all the girls from 4-6 grades to see a film and talk about the "girl" issues. There were lots of questions and I remember the teachers saying that if you are on your period, you probably don't want to go to the beach or go swimming.
I thought about that, and with my 9 year old logic, I raised my hand and naively asked, "is it because if you go into the water, the sharks may smell you and try to attack you?"
It never occured to me it was because of embarrassement. I think I really caught them off guard because they sure got a laugh out of it.
Mia: it's funny how many of us associate embarrassment with the first day of getting your period.
S.T.: all I can hear is the theme from Jaws!!!
Randi, you're in the big leagues now, with all these comments!
An added bit, which Sweettooth just reminded me of. In our school, we were in grade 6, I believe, when we were shown a "girly" film about Mother Nature and all her bountiful gifts. One of my girlfriends, who was a true giggler, warned me that she'd sit next to me and pinch me when she saw something on-screen that bothered her. Of course, throughout the screening she also giggled a lot, out of her embarrassment of what she was seeing. Well, let me tell you, by the end of that film, my arm was all black & blue. My girlfriend had pinched the life out of it!
Pearl: that's funny! You're poor arm. It's like Paula Abdul punching Simon in the arm everytime she doesn't like something he says (sorry, had to get an American Idol reference in there)
As far as the amount of comments:
I am, quite frankly, stunned. I set out to write a funny little post about this ad that showed up in my mail.
But menopause, and "visitors" are obviously subjects that triggers something for a lot of women...emotion, and deep feelings that we have from girlhood that never leave us. I think it's great to be able to talk about it...even if it's on this stupid little blog!
Mia, I swear -- our mothers must be related!!
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